Jokes

[badbadman]

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper

[badbadman]

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson

[badbadman]

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
-- Victoria Wood

[badbadman]

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
-- Tommy Cooper

[kooky]

:rofl: Keep them coming

[badbadman]

:rofl: Keep them coming


You're insatiable woman. :D

[badbadman]

Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
-- Peter Kay

[badbadman]

Congratulations to Wayne Rooney. He scored three times on Tuesday. He hasn't done that since he crashed a pensioners' bingo night.
-- Jonathan Ross

[Hicarrumba]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[Hicarrumba]

True story. Tommy Cooper introduced to the Queen, at the royal variety performance

'Did you think I was funny?', Tommy Cooper asked the Queen.
'Yes, very funny Tommy', replied the Queen.

'Did your Mother think I was funny?', Tommy asked.
'Yes, she laughed non-stop', said the Queen

'Would you mind if I ask a personal question?', Tommy asked.
'No, you can ask, but I am not be able to answer', the Queen Replied

'Who are you supporting in the Cup Final?', asked Tommy.
'Neither, I am impartial' , said the Queen. '

'In that case, ... ' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

[kooky]

Loving all these:top:

[Marvin]

You know "That Look" a woman gets when she wants sex?

No, me neither

[badbadman]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

[badbadman]

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw

[badbadman]

Ken Dodd of all the comedians - tight. We went to a stripshow and he wanted half of his money back because one of the strippers only had one tit.
-- Bernard Manning

[Marvin]

I went to the doctor's and asked "Can you give me something for wind?"
He gave me a Kite.

- Tommy Cooper.

[scottie]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!' :rofl:

[scottie]

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!:rofl:

[scottie]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! :rofl:

[scottie]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy :rofl:

[Beeje25]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy :rofl:

:rofl::rofl:

[Marvin]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! :rofl:
:rofl::rofl::rofl: LMFAO really!!

[munchycarrot]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! :rofl:

Me too :rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Marvin]

Mick & Paddy standing at a bus stop when a truck load of turf passes by,
"That's what I'll do when I win the lottery" says Paddy, "Send my lawn away to be cut"

:banghead:

[miffy]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?????????
>

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"" How do you drink through THAT?????????????"

xxjan

[Jeni]

Mick & Paddy standing at a bus stop when a truck load of turf passes by,
"That's what I'll do when I win the lottery" says Paddy, "Send my lawn away to be cut"

:banghead:
nearly choked on my brew reading that lmao - stolen for twitter and facebook :)

[miffy]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotard on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

oIt's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference..




xxjan

[kooky]

Lol jan:rofl:

[badbadman]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar.
After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[badbadman]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Hicarrumba]

I am sure this is an old one from somewhere, but my Grandad once said to me, after being told he had parkinsons disease, that he would rather have parkinsons than be senile, he said 'I would rather spill some beer than forget where I had put it'

[sharkbait]

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[Harold2]

A woman pilot crash lands in the dessert, she sets of walking in the direction of a small oasis, after half an hour she comes across a tribes man walking in the same direction, she asks him if he would walk with her, he agrees and off they go, after half an hour she complains that she is to hot , the man says to her , when the local tribes women get to hot they take their knickers of to keep cool, the woman says do you think i am stupid all you want is to be able to get at me, well i am not taking my knickers of so just keep walking, after another half an hour she complains about it being to hot again so the man says i have told you what to do to keep cool, the woman says and i have told you i will not take my knickers of so just keep walking, after another half an hour they come to the oasis and the woman runs to the water and starts to splash her face, she looks up and sees an tribes woman sitting cross legged against a palm tree eating a water melon with her knickers on the ground and all of her womanly secrets on display, the woman goes up to the tribes woman and says to her i see you have taken your knickers of is that to keep you cool? the tribes woman says no but it keeps the fly's of my melon :D

[munchycarrot]

:rofl: :rofl:

[sharkbait]

What do you call 11 australians at a 20/20 match? Spectators!!!:shocked:

[miffy]

What do you call 11 australians at a 20/20 match? Spectators!!!:shocked:

That's a man joke, RIGHT????????:confuse:

xxjan

[Jeni]

What do you call 11 australians at a 20/20 match? Spectators!!!:shocked:

That's a man joke, RIGHT????????:confuse:

xxjan

well it made me laugh :) :rofl:

[miffy]

I don't understand sport stuff!!!:o Sorry

xxjan

[sharkbait]

aussie just got knocked out of the 20/20 cricket world cup

:party::rofl:

[miffy]

Ermmmmm---no---still doesn't work for me!!!!!!!!!!:confuse:

:rof

I'll go back & laugh at the shallow ones instead!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl:

xxjan

[badbadman]

Ermmmmm---no---still doesn't work for me!!!!!!!!!!:confuse:

:rof

I'll go back & laugh at the shallow ones instead!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl:

xxjan

Women..........:confused::D

[Marvin]

:rofl::rofl:

[miffy]

Paddy was working on a building site, when there was a dreadful accident & a huge sheet of glass being hoisted up by crane, broke loose of it's strapping, & came hurtling down towards paddy, JUST missing him, but slicing off his ear!! Paddy screamed out & everyone came running over to see what had happened!
The site foreman quickly dialed 999 for an ambulance & shouted to everyone to look for Paddy's ear so it could be taken to the hospital with him & be sewn back on.

Well, 27 assorted bricklayers & chippies, hod carriers & plumbers, electricians & plasterers scrambled about between the rubble & shards of broken glass, looking for Paddy's ear!! "Hurry up you lazy buggers--we've got to find it before the ambulance gets here!!", shouted the foreman.

Suddenly, Mick Murphy jumped up with his arm in the air, an ear dripping blood in his hand. " Oi've got it, oi've got it!", & ran excitedly over to Paddy to show him that he'd found it. Paddy, writhing in agony, opened his eyes, looked at the ear & said, " That's not mine, keep looking!"

"What d'ya mean, it's not yours, you stupid old bugger?? Of course it's yours!!! How many F**ing chopped off ears d'ya think are gonna be lying around 'ere this mornin',ya silly old fool???????"

Paddy screamed, " IT'S NOT MY F***ING EAR !!! DON'T YA THINK I'D KNOW MY OWN F***ING EAR WHEN I SAW IT???? THAT'S NOT MY F***ING EAR !!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mick screamed back at him, " How the F*** are you so sure this ain't your F***in' ear?????"

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wait for it------------

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"Cos MINE had a fag behind it !!!!!!!!!!!!!", screamed Paddy !!!!!!!!!!!!


xxjan :rofl:

[kooky]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Jeni]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: rofl

[badbadman]

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

[badbadman]

Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

A: A toothbrush.

[badbadman]

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Easy -- don't pay her.

[kooky]

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

:rofl:

Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

A: A toothbrush.

:rofl:

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Easy -- don't pay her.

:rofl::rofl:

[munchycarrot]

Hormone? LMAO Stewart :rofl: :rofl:

[badbadman]

Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?

A: They both like a tight seal.


Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.


Why do women rub there eyes when they get up in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

[miffy]

Love 'em Stew!!!!!!!:rofl::rofl: Even the 2 i've heard before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rofl:

xxjan

[Marvin]

Hormones - sounds heard outside a brothel.



A guy was standing next to me in the loo and was spraying pee all over the place. "Oi, watch out" I said.
"Sorry mate" he said, "but mine has got a hole in the end and holes all down the sides".
I quickly scribbled down a phone number and gave it to him, "Here, go and see this guy"
"Why?" he said, "Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it"

[badbadman]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[badbadman]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[badbadman]

Q. What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men?

A. Their ankles.


Q. How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

A. Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.



Q. Why does a blonde smile at lightning?

A. She thinks she's getting her picture taken.

[sharkbait]

I didn't want to start a new thread for this and it isn't a joke but it is seriously funny

seniors (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Digital-Photography-Seniors-Dummies-Justice/dp/0470444177/ref=pe_13791_15768901_as_img_3/)

[Jeni]

lol Dave, cos being over 55 its a whole new laguage lol.

Stew - :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Hicarrumba]

Eskimo on his skidoo is motoring along and suddenly it grinds to an halt, he phones the EAA and along comes the engineer on the recovery skidoo, after a quick check round he looks at the Eskimo and says 'You have blown a seal' The Eskimo replies 'I have not, that's just frost on my beard'


A Blond skier is at the top of the mountain and cant find the green route she stops a bloke with a sledge and asks which is the green route, bloke says 'Sorry love I am a toboggist'
She replies 'Oh great can I have 20 Benson and Hedges please'

[munchycarrot]

:rofl: :rofl:

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

[Beeje25]

:rofl: :rofl:

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

some times they come with a pizza 2 :rofl:

[munchycarrot]

lmao :rofl:

[Beeje25]

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard...

[kooky]

:rofl:

[sharkbait]

I lost my job at the orange juice factory...
I just couldn't concentrate.

[badbadman]

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

[erniethemilk]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'What shall I do now?' she shouts.
'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he still clings on and continues hissing at the 2 nuns.
'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine. 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.
'Now you're talking' laughs Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts......'GET THE F*CK OFF THE CAR' :rofl:

[miffy]

Hilarious, Ernie:rofl:--& welcome to TOG !!!!

xxjan

[Marvin]

Hi you’ve got to grab one of theses ASAP for your holiday, just seen this on the BBC news:

Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

· ASDA
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· Sainsbury
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.

See below:

















































http://www.tog247.com/gallery/data/500/thumbs/bbq.jpg (http://www.tog247.com/gallery/showphoto.php?photo=895)

[Pipeman]

Lol!!!

[munchycarrot]

:rofl: Nigel

[Jeni]

smart price bbqs then? :rofl:

[badbadman]

Portable too. :rofl:

[badbadman]

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
-- Harry Hill

[Ian Reed]

Teacher called little Paddy to her desk and said "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word for word the same as your brothers", "Of course it is" said little paddy, "It's the same :legal: dog"

[Ian Reed]

3 Grannies sitting on a park bench enjoying the sunshine, A flasher ran over and flashed his willy at them ... two of the grannies had a stroke.. The other granny couldn't reach !! :confused: :confused: :confused:

[benjiblanco]

lmao, some great 'new' jokes.

keep em comin, Lol Ian, heard so many variations of the grannie joke, but still makes me laugh :top:

[munchycarrot]

:rofl:

[Jeni]

a woman farts in a jewellers as she bends down to look at a piece of jewellery. "how much is this?" she asks. the jeweller replies "you farted looking at, it you'll **** yourself if you know the price."

[munchycarrot]

:rofl::rofl:

[munchycarrot]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.












'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

[Jeni]

hahaha Stef, im stealing that for Facebook, hope you dont mind :) maybe not, its too big to go in my status box lol!

[Marvin]

:rofl: Luvly :rofl:

[erniethemilk]

Nikon have released details of it's latest model with such a fast shutter speed it can take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed :D

[munchycarrot]

:shocked::shocked::shocked:

[CPU]

Nikon have released details of it's latest model with such a fast shutter speed it can take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed :D

Run Ernie, run :shocked:

[Marvin]

Nikon have released details of it's latest model with such a fast shutter speed it can take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed :D

It's only a rumour. I don't believe it.....

We don't have THAT sort of technology yet!

We can put a man on the moon but.... OK ladies OK, I hear you, why can't we put them ALL there. :headbanger:

[benjiblanco]

A man goes to the zoo.
He walks around for ages but all he can find is a dog in a cage.
He finds the manager, and complains, "Call this a zoo, one dog in a cage, what kind of zoo do you call this?"
The manager replies, "Yeah, this is a s=h=i=t=zu"

[Pipeman]

Which reminds me, we never did trace Keith - shishidog.
He's still using the other place I think - anyone fancy contacting him, some of us can't.

[munchycarrot]

A man goes to the zoo.
He walks around for ages but all he can find is a dog in a cage.
He finds the manager, and complains, "Call this a zoo, one dog in a cage, what kind of zoo do you call this?"
The manager replies, "Yeah, this is a s=h=i=t=zu"
LMAO Ben :rofl: :rofl:

LOL Ron, what reminds you :eek: And yes he is, last i saw, he was enquiring where his prem mebership had gone!

[Pipeman]

LOL Ron, what reminds you :eek: And yes he is, last i saw, he was enquiring where his prem mebership had gone!

Play on words, Stef - I am a strange man!;)

[Hicarrumba]

Bloke goes into a pet shop
He says I will have a Wasp
Pet bloke says we dont sell wasps
He says 'You have one in the window'

[scottie]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull ----!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.' :D

[scottie]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda...

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[miffy]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:---brrrrrrrrrrrrrr--cold innit???????

xxjan

[benjiblanco]

A young Irish boy is sitting by the side of the road crying.
Paddy stops and asks the boy:
"What's wrong lad?"
The boy says "It's me Ma, she just died"
"Oh be Jaysus," says Paddy " Would ya like to get Father O'Reilly for ya lad?"
The boy says "No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on me mind right now"

[dannyl09]

it goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag, its not what you think, its a tetleys teabag

[dannyl09]

alan shearer announced that tampax are new sponsors of newcastle tampax spokesman says: to sponsor a bunch of fannies going through a bad period

[Lucy Raine]

it goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag, its not what you think, its a tetleys teabag

LOL:rofl:

[Marvin]

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a large duck??


??


???



?




It's a Duck-Filled Fatty Puss.. :D

[scottie]

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
Took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
Rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
Her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

[scottie]

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft :rolleyes:

[miffy]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:---fantastic, Scottie :D

xxjan

[Harold2]

so old Ron was telling this joke at school:rofl:

[Harold2]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:this one i like:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Beeje25]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[munchycarrot]

LMAO scottie :)

[Pipeman]

LOL - Like it.:D

[Gel403]

LMAO :rofl:

[crasher]

I said to the wife 'you remind me of the sea'
'is it my deep blue eyes' she said
'no its because you make me sick'

[benjiblanco]

I said to the wife 'you remind me of the sea'
'is it my deep blue eyes' she said
'no its because you make me sick'

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[crasher]

BROWN,DARLING AND A DOG


Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea!?

We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, Oh & a Labrador .
Then we'll really look the part.. We'll go to a nice old country pub,
in Much Something or other & we'll show we
really enjoy the countryside, ......... Oh! & remember
not to mention the Hunting With Dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all
kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they
set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking
for & found a lovely country pub &, with the dog,
went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from
the wood please' said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,
'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating
new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay
quietly at their feet..

As they drank their beer they chatted about how
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned
for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened &
in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He
walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail & looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed
the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown &
Darling. People of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called
the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why
did all those people come in & look under the dog's
tail like that??? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's
just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in
this bar with two arseholes'

Keith

[munchycarrot]

HAHA very good :rofl:

[badbadman]

Arseholes are useful...:D

[crasher]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Sailor that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Sailor drawled "Well Lady normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!

Keith

[crasher]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[munchycarrot]

:rofl: very very funny

[crasher]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,

'About 2 hours. ' The guy left !

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked ,
How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said,

'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said,

'About an hour and a half .'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,

'Hey, Bob, do me a favour.

Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later,

Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked,

'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!

Keith

[Marvin]

:rofl: :rofl: I had heard the Xmas one but the other 2 are just :rofl: pmsl :rofl:

[Pipeman]

Lol!!!!:rofl::rofl:

[Hicarrumba]

Solicitor:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Solicitor:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Solicitor:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Solicitor:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Solicitor:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Solicitor:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Solicitor:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Solicitor:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Solicitor:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Solicitor:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Solicitor:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b*st*rd !

[CPU]

A King is looking over a Prince as a prospect to take over his Kingdom upon his death. The King isn’t too sure about the Prince’s intelligence, but he decides that perhaps other attributes are more important to the future of the Royal lineage. As such he decides that a test is order, so he takes the nervous Prince down to castle dungeons-

“Young Prince, you must prove yourself worthy of taking over my Kingdom and so I have devised some tests. You must carry out my instructions to the letter and I will only tell you this once! Behind this door is a giant brown bear, in order to prove your vitality you must enter the room and wrestle with the bear until you win. Behind the second door is my daughter, the Princess, you must prove your virility and make love to her until she acquiesces. Begin.”

The Prince looks from one door to the other and is about ask a question, but sees that the King is in no mood for further talk. He enters the first room… for a full hour all that can be heard from the first room are the roars of a bear, breaking furniture and the crash of fragile objects. Eventually it goes quiet and door slowly opens. The Prince staggers out, clothes torn to shreds, blood dripping from numerous claw and bite marks. The Prince pants weakly, “OK, where is this Princess you want me to wrestle?”

[crasher]

Two cannibals eating a clown - one said to the other 'does this meat taste funny'

Tommy Cooper

[erniethemilk]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

' Miss Beatrice ', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

:D:D

[erniethemilk]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the policy on letting "the good people" in.

The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man.
"Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our flat and have sex with him.
So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and broke in and immediately began searching for this guy.

My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire flat.
But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the window and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.
This made me angry even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the fridge near the window. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted the 4 floors down and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment.


Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced,
"OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.



A few seconds later the next guy came up.
"OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 5th floor flat doing my daily workout when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his flat and starts swearing, calling me all the names under the sun, and stomping on my fingers!

Well, of course I fall.

I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in serious pain, I see the man push his fridge, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.




A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.


"Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.



"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a fridge......"

[Hicarrumba]

Monika Lewinsky goes to a dry cleaners with a dress.
Says to the man, 'Could you clean this dress please?'
Man a little hard of hearing says 'Come Again?'
Monika says 'No, its mustard!'

[Jeni]

Good Answer Awards

In reverse order the winners are:-


5th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he'd
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up
that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got
stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

1st Place
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuse
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand.

[crasher]

A sandwich walked into a bar and said 'can I have a pint please'
the barman said 'we don't serve food in here'

Tommy Cooper

[crasher]

A jump lead walked into a bar and said 'can I have a pint please'
The barman said 'you better not start anything'

Tommy Cooper

[crasher]

I went for a curry the other day, I had a chicken tarka, its like a chicken tika but a little otter, I almost had the venison but it was deer

[benjiblanco]

lol Keith :rofl:

[crasher]

A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"

"My wife."

[crasher]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his
jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jogged past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[crasher]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

[crasher]

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Norwegian Fiords when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.



Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.




Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[crasher]

A Farmer Decided He Wanted To Go To Town And See A Movie.

The Ticket Agent Asked,

"sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?

The Old Farmer Said,

"that's My Pet Rooster Chuck. Wherever I Go, Chuck Goes."

"i'm Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent.

"we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."

The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed Chuck Down His Overalls. Then He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket, And Entered The Theater.

He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.

The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chuck Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.

"marge," Whispered Mildred.

"what?" Said Marge.

"i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert."

"what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge?

"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out", Whispered Mildred.

"well, Don't Worry About It", Said Marge.. "at Our Age We've Seen 'em All"

"i Thought So Too", Said Mildred,

"but This One's Eatin' My Popcorn!"

[Hicarrumba]

A man washed ashore on a desert Island, finds a bottle, thinking its a message he opens it and out pops a genie.

Genie says I am the genie of the bottle, you have just one wish, so think carefully.

Man thinks for a while and says build me a bridge to the nearest civilization.

Genie says, man that's really hard, could you think of something else?

Man says let me see into the minds of women, so I really know whats going on.

Genie says, How many lights do you want on this bridge?

[crasher]

A guy goes to the doctor and says "I think I might have a hearing problem." Doc says "Can you describe the symptoms?". The guy says "Yeah. Its basically a cartoon about this family called Homer, Bart, Lisa ......"

[crasher]

Locked out!!

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Groan!!

[munchycarrot]

lmao :rofl:

[Marvin]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall??




.........




...Dam!

[crasher]

Ben did ask us to share our jokes - so its his fault

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every
day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran
Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Marvin]

:rofl: lmao :rofl:

Love that one..!

[roy boy]

MORE PLEASE:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: GREAT JOKE.

[benjiblanco]

LOL Keith :D good one :top:

[roy boy]

Guy goes to the doctors to get his wives test results
The doctor says I am sorry about this Mr smith, unfortunately
your wife’s results got mixed up with another Mrs smith, and I don’t know who,s test resuts belongs to who…What I can tell you is the two results show that one has Alzheimer’s disease, and the other shows Aids…….Gosh! what am I going to do said Mr smith.
Well all I can advise you said the doctor, is take your wife out to town and then loose her, wait a while before you return home, and if she gets home before you do….don’t sleep with her!!!!!

[Beeje25]

I stole a leg of lamb from the supermarket and as I ran off the security guard said "Oi what you doing with that" I said "spuds and some winter vegetables"

[crasher]

OK - by popular request:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a

sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave

the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back

a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the

doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean

and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but

nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right

hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with

her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,

still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried

too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried

squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'

[benjiblanco]

LMAO Bryan, Roy and Keith.. some new ones and some old ones coming out...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

[Pipeman]

Keep them coming!:rofl:

[benjiblanco]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[crasher]

On the subject of computer programmers:

How can you tell when a computer programmer is an extrovert





He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you

[Pipeman]

"What is one and one?" asked the interviewer.

Two said the first applicant.

The solicitor said, "Ah, this is open to interpretation, could be two (one plus one) could be one (one divided by one), could even be none (one minus one)

The accountant simply said, "Tell me the answer you want and I'll prove it."

But the computer programmer said, "I can devise a program that will give you the answer to 27 decimal places in a millionth of a second..........bit it'll take me a month to program it."

[Pipeman]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's'
voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

[munchycarrot]

Haha that's funny Ron :rofl:

[badbadman]

I was at a party last night and the DJ played the song 'Sit Down' by James so we all sat down.

Then he played 'Jump Around' by House of Pain so we jumped around.

After that he played 'Come On Eileen', That is when they kicked me out!!

[benjiblanco]

:) bordeline maybe??? lol


What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe???

Roberto

[Marvin]

What do you call a Gorilla whith a banana in each ear??




.
.
.
.
Anything you like, he can't hear you.


.

.

.

The old ones are the best :o

[badbadman]

What do you call a Gorilla whith a banana in each ear??




.
.
.
.
Anything you like, he can't hear you.


.

.

.

The old ones are the best :o


Can we have a groaning smilie for jokes like this one please. :banghead:

[Marvin]

:bum:

[benjiblanco]

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[Pipeman]

Love it!:D

[Marvin]

It's Fawlty - it spelt "chequer" wrong!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Just looking up "miss steaks" now... :D

[munchycarrot]

vary funny :rofl:

[crasher]

Three men in a boat

The three leaders from the conservative party, the labour party, and the liberal party were all on board a boat out at sea but the boat sinks, who gets saved?............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................. GREAT BRITAIN

[benjiblanco]

Lol Keith. :D

[crasher]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scottishman met up. The Englishman told the other 3 to go and blow up any building they wanted. When they got back the Englishman asked them how many letters there were in the alpabet. The Welshman and Scot said 26, but the Irishman said 24. When asked why 24, he said:



"Because I've just blown up B & Q"

[crasher]

Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary” to which Michael replied “that’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money.

“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

[benjiblanco]

lol

Where do you find a one legged dog?


Where you left it

[Pipeman]

Groan, Groan.

[Hicarrumba]

The First school reunion all the Guys are now 35 years old.

They all decide to go to the Bayside restaurant, because all the women are hot and the beer is cheap.

10 Years later at 45 they decide that the Bayside was good, remember the beer was cheap and the service was excellent.

10 years Later at 55 they decide the Bayside again, the service was good and the view over the bay at sunset was really great.

10 years later at 65 they decide the Bayside again, because the sunset was great and they had plenty of leg room under the tables.

10 years later at 75 they decide the Bayside again, as there was plenty of legroom and you get a discount for OAP's

10 years later at 85 they decide the Bayside, because they had never been before

[sharkbait]

lol

Where do you find a one legged dog?


Where you left it

what do you call a dog with no legs? it doesn't really matter... it's still not coming to you:shocked:

[munchycarrot]

What's the difference between England football team & a tea-bag....



the tea-bag stays in the cup longer

[Harold2]

What's the difference between England football team & a tea-bag....



the tea-bag stays in the cup longer
OMG how old is this one, United fans have been saying that about city for 30 odd years or more now:headbanger:

[benjiblanco]

Oxo are producing a cube in the colours of the St George cross. It's going to be called a laughing stock

[Harold2]

Oxo are producing a cube in the colours of the St George cross. It's going to be called a laughing stock

Now thats funny LOL

[benjiblanco]

The Wembley turf is being dug up again, and this time it's being laid with old copies of The Sun, The Star etc..
Well everybody keeps saying that on paper England are a good team.


David Blaine was said to be in tears yesterday
...because his record of doing sod-all in a box for 42 days was beaten by Wayne Rooney.



England players made an unexpected outburst during a press conference this morning calling Sepp Blatter "a fat Swiss, big-headed, arrogant numpty" following Blatter's public apology to the FA.

FIFA have indicated however that no action will be taken against them, as their remarks have been deemed not to have crossed the line.

[Harold2]

I give in:D

[Shaun]

Germany Match:

My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.

Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

[Shaun]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

'Cos FIFA said it didn't.

[crasher]

England have just turned down a multi million pound sponsorship deal with a pet food company. They do not feel it would be right to run around in shirts that say "Winalot" on them

[Harold2]

:D:D:D:D:D LoL

[erniethemilk]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, ‘I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 35,’ was the reply.

‘I'm actually 47,’ the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, ‘I'd guess that you're 29?’
‘Nope, I am actually 47.’ He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, ‘I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.’
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, ‘OK, it's done. You are 47,’
Stunned the man says, ‘That was brilliant! How did you do that?’
The old lady replies, ‘I was behind you in McDonald's’.

[benjiblanco]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Pipeman]

:D:rofl:

[badbadman]

Jokes about an 85 year old woman having a stroke.....:confuse:

Must tell my mate this one tomorrow. :D

[crasher]

The Balloon Family

Once upon a time there was a family of balloons, mum dad and baby, evey night baby climbs into mum and dads bed, dad gets fed up so goes out and buys a smaller bed and tells baby there is no more room for you, that night baby tried to squeeze between mum and dad, no room, so he gently lets some air out of mum, no good so he gently lets some air out of dad, still no good, so he lets some air out himself, and gets in between them, next day dad takes him aside and say well im very disappointed, you've let your mum down, you've let me down and most importantly you've let your self down!

[munchycarrot]

:rofl: :rofl: silly but funny :rofl:

[Pipeman]

Like it Keith!

[badbadman]

I hear BP have hired some slick lawyers to get them out of their predicament. :confuse:

[badbadman]

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo. :shocked:

[badbadman]

Scientists have discovered a food that instantly diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
It's called Wedding Cake. :rolleyes:

[badbadman]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this! :D

[badbadman]

My girlfriend has just left me because she says I'm obsessed with football

Its a shame,

I'd been with her for 6 seasons.

[badbadman]

grew up in a tough area.
When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate, and put a cherry on my head......
Life was tough in the gateaux :(

[badbadman]

My grandma opened a tub of margarine today, and found the face of Jesus staring back at her.

She took it to the a local monk and showed him it. "I can't believe it's not Buddha," he said. :confuse:

[badbadman]

I only ever use my moblie when I'm on the lav.

I'm on pay as you go. :bum:

[badbadman]

Women! They just don't have a sense of humour. My missus didn't find it nearly as funny as I did when I replaced one of her tampons with a party popper. :shocked:

[Pipeman]

Enjoyed those Stewart - Thanks.:top:

[badbadman]

Thanks Ron, here's a few more for you.


Children are like farts.

You dont mind your own but you can't stand anyone elses.


I once posed nude for a magazine.

I'm not going back to that newsagent.


I got into a fight with three circus performers. Didn't hesitate, went straight for the juggler.

[benjiblanco]

LOL Stew... :rofl::rofl::rofl:

grew up in a tough area.
When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate, and put a cherry on my head......
Life was tough in the gateaux :(

There should be a law about jokes like this.... :headbanger:

[badbadman]

Why should Nigel be the only person posting Jokes to make you groan to? :D

[badbadman]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead." :confused:

[badbadman]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[Pipeman]

The ultimate sick joke!:shocked:

[benjiblanco]

came home today to find my rabbit dead in the washing machine...

I was pretty upset, but then thought at least it died in comfort!

[Harold2]

came home today to find my rabbit dead in the washing machine...

I was pretty upset, but then thought at least it died in comfort!
the fairy took it

[benjiblanco]

:D

Why was the archeologist depressed?


Because his career was in ruins!

[Harold2]

:D

Why was the archeologist depressed?


Because his career was in ruins!

OK if i buy the gun who will buy the bullets:headbanger::headbanger:

[benjiblanco]

OK if i buy the gun who will buy the bullets:headbanger::headbanger:
:D

Tedious joke of the day today...

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

[Harold2]

:D

Tedious joke of the day today...

There are many 'pinot' wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

Tedious joke of the day today...Dont you mean Pedious joke of the day:rofl:

[Rob_W]

My wife gave birth underwater because she said it's less traumatic for the baby....

It was probably more traumatic for the other people in the pool though.

[Hicarrumba]

My wife gave birth underwater because she said it's less traumatic for the baby....

It was probably more traumatic for the other people in the pool though.

Yeah, bit like my grandad when he passed away, peacfully in his sleep...

Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.

[Hicarrumba]

A Policeman stopped me yesterday and asked me where is was between 4 and 6... took me ages ...but i told him I was at nursery school then.

[Marvin]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot were talking about their kids. The Englishman said they had called their son George because he was born on St George's day. Amazed, the Scot said his son, Andy, was born on St Andrew's day. 'Unbelievable!' said Paddy, 'Wait till I get home and tell our Pancake..!'

[badbadman]

Drug Addicts in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by Gum'. :confuse:

[munchycarrot]

Liverpool Football Club have made contact with the rescued Chilean miners. They are seeking their expert advice on how to dig themselves out of a deep hole by Christmas!

[benjiblanco]

New Manchester United kit out in time for Christmas, black top, black shorts, black socks and a whistle :)

[Marvin]

New Manchester United kit out in time for Christmas, black top, black shorts, black socks and a whistle :)

And NO spectacles?? :D

[badbadman]

New Manchester United kit out in time for Christmas, black top, black shorts, black socks and a whistle :)

I hate to think what the christmas party is going to be like this year, Wayne Rooney has been put in charge of getting a stripper in!! :shocked:

[miffy]

He'd better be quick booking one---Age Concern find themselves very busy at Christmas!!!:D

xxjan

[crasher]

The M25 walks in his local bar. As he walks in all the other motorways look towards the ground and try not to make eye contact.

The M25 looks around proudly and then goes up to the bar.
"Give me a pint", the barman obliges.

The M25 looks around again and every motorway and road in the bar ducks or hides.

"Why's everyone so scared of you" asks the barman.

The M25 replies "I'm the M25, I got 4 lanes going this way, 4 lanes going that way and a big central reservation, I AM the hardest motorway in this country".

Just then a browny red piece of tarmac walks in.
The M25 ducks under a table as the tarmac walks up to the bar.

The browny red piece of tarmac looks around and shouts at the M1 "Have you seen the M25?" The M1 looks to the floor and shakes his head.

"Oi 6 have you seen him?" Asks the Tarmac. The M6 shakes his head terrified.

The Browny Red piece of Tarmac turns to the barman.
"If you see that M25, tell him I'm looking for him", he then walks out.

Once the tarmac had left, the M25 gets out from under the table.

"What's all that about?" asks the bar man." thought you were the toughest motorway in Britain".

"I am" said the M25.

"But him, he's a ruddy cycle path"

[crasher]

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

[crasher]

Belated Halloween joke

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:


Bump...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...


BUMP...



BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket.


and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops

[benjiblanco]

haha Keith :D

[crasher]

The sauna

3 men in a sauna, they hear a bleeping sound. The American pressed his arm & the bleep stopped. Sorry, that was my pager. I have a mircochip in my arm. A phone rings, Japanese man puts his palm to his ear. Sorry that was my mobile. I have a micro chip in my hand. Irishman not wanting to be outdone, went to the toilet, came back with toilet paper hanging from his backside. The others stared at him. Ah b'jesus, will u look at that, I'm getting a fax!

[miffy]

:rofl::rofl::clap::rofl::rofl: That's the funniest one i've heard for ages, Keith!!!!!!!!!!!:rofl: Absolutely love it, & will be passing it on at every opportunity !!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D:rofl: Thanks for the sunday morning belly laugh!!!!!!:top:

xxjan

[Pipeman]

:D:D:D:clap:

[crasher]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.........


"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

[crasher]

Irishman went to see the doctor

What seems to be the trouble asked the doc

Oim having a bit of trouble wit moi **** he said

Oh dear said the doc - well, best drop your trousers and lets have a look

Bloody hell said the doc, you'll never believe this, there's a twenty pound note stuck up there

The doc pulled the twenty pound note out and a tenner appeared, he pulled that out and another twenty appeared, this kept happening untill there was a sizable stash of money then, evenually, it stopped

The doc counted the notes, £1995 he said

Ah said Paddy oi knew I was'nt too grand

[benjiblanco]

LMAO Keith..... :D :D :D

2 classics :top:

[badbadman]

Not got the wife a present for christmas yet?

I got the perfect gift for the christmas period...a box of Tampons. :top:

[Marvin]

I sent the missus half a ton of snow then rang and asked her..

"Did you get my drift??"

[crasher]

Telephony

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, an Irish archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Belfast Telegraph read:

"Irish archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the English".

One week later, the Glasgow Herald, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his field near Paisley, Willie Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all. Willie has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

[miffy]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "

[miffy]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it

, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,

'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow,

Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,

'The telephone goes green, green,

and I pink it up, and say,

Yellow

, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[munchycarrot]

the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
:clap::clap:

[badbadman]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it

, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,

'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow,

Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,

'The telephone goes green, green,

and I pink it up, and say,

Yellow

, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh yeh, I have spoken to him......:headbanger:

[crasher]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and says tentatively, “Excuse me, I am sorry to bother you, but - um - would you mind very much if I sat here and chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Devastated, the guy manages to rise to his feet and slinks back to a table in the back.
As you can imagine, he is hopelessly and completely embarrassed.
He sinks down into his seat as far as he can go, trying to become invisible.

About a half-hour later, the woman who so loudly rejected him walks to his table and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, “I’m really very sorry I embarrassed you.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology.
I am conducting a study of how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

The shy fellow, who is still shaking from his ordeal, looks up from his drink for the first time in 30 minutes.
He gazes into the woman’s eyes and smiles.
Then at the top of his lungs he yells,
.
.
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“What do you mean £200?!?!”

[crasher]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my back garden!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
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“He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

[badbadman]

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning slap the missus and say 'two sugars Fat Ar*e.'


(With Thanks to Bryan (Beejee 25) for that one) :top:

[Beeje25]

my nieghbor knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning. 2.30!! can you believe it.................. its a good job i was still up playing my drums.

[Beeje25]

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning slap the missus and say 'two sugars Fat Ar*e.'


(With Thanks to Bryan (Beejee 25) for that one) :top:

your welcome :D

[Beeje25]

The referee for last weekend's Liverpool game has said that he was very happy with the female assistant's performance.

He said she did a great job ironing his kit, and the half-time sandwiches were delicious.

[miffy]

If you'd have given her 2 flags,Bryan, she could have done the job of BOTH linesman as well !!---WE can multitask, you know!!!!!:D

xxjan

[Pipeman]

All the fuss about what the two blokes said is daft to me - men will always talk like that, as will women.

[miffy]

That's what i think, Ron--it was a private chat--none of us would want EVERYTHING we say to be broadcast, would we??? We all say jokey thigs like that!Us women would SWEAR that men know nothing about housework--(in place of the offside rule), but if you heard us say it, you wouldn't create that sort of fuss, would you?? Even given that this is a work situation-----people are still allowed to THINK what they like, & joke privately between themselves!!! No government ruling will EVER be able to stop men thinking that women don't know a thing about football, ( & in my case they'd be absolutely right !!:D ), or women thinking that men know nothing about housework!!!! We all know that iit isn't always the case,either way, but it's just a sort of folklore that we all have in the back of our minds & joke about!!
There won't be any " comedy " left soon, if this goes on---it's ridiculous!!!

[Marvin]

Shut up Miffy and get the coffee made. :evil: Two sugars fat ****... :rofl:

You are 100% correct, I'm getting so peed off with what IS PC and what ISN'T.
I don't care anymore, I'm not PC, I'm a Mac... :D

[miffy]

They've sacked him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(

xxjan

[benjiblanco]

Im quite happy they sacked him for being sexist, hopefully the new presenter will be blonde with big tits :D